


How much I missed you

by ClaraCivry (Kat_Of_Dresden)



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Maylor angst, POV First Person, Regret, Roger POV, Why Did I Write This?, if that's even a thing, relationship angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-15 00:25:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19284316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Of_Dresden/pseuds/ClaraCivry
Summary: Roger broke things off with Brian. Now he misses him. A lot.Maylor angst focused on Roger.





	How much I missed you

I miss you. Every day that I'm without you I'm missing you.   
  
It's funny, how when we were together I thought that you were too much, that you were tiring. We had been together for so long... On the band, on the tours, on the bedroom. Together always. It was too much, and at some point I even hated you. Wherever I looked there you were, and I started to be tired of your face, of your voice of your body.  
  
You were arrogant, and judgy and boring. You were always putting your music everywhere, never taking any risks. You were a burden, the weight that was bringing me down. You, you, you... You were boring and I resented you for being always there.  
  
Now I would give anything to have you with me, to hear you again. You, with your boring music. You, always there. With your guitar. I ended up hating her too, because you seemed to love her more than me. And I was better, wasn't I? I was better than everyone. I was better than you.  
  
I was better than everyone, but especially you. I was better with people, more talented, more awake. I knew more people, had a better sense of humor, partied more. My songs were better than yours they always had been. I sang better and I knew that you would never play the drums, but I played guitar. I was better than you and I didn't understand why I chose to lower myself so much.  
  
I forgot about all the good parts. Forgot about how bright you've always been, how much I enjoyed hearing you speak, having a conversation with you. I forgot about how much you cared, how kind and gentle you were when I needed you. I forgot your soothing voice, forgot how your hands always found the places I wanted them to go. I forgot about all the reasons why we got together.  
  
(Your laugh. How well you know me, what a friend you've always been to me. Your shoulder always there to lean when I need it. Your smile. Your belly button. I love you, I miss you)  
  
I forgot about all the good things, blinded by my desire to get something newer and shinier. By my resentment. By the bitter taste in my mouth from one too many fights. To always wanting to win the fight and forget that we were supposed to love each other. By anger and bad words. Blinded by the certainty that anything and anyone else would be better. That we were done.  
  
You didn't want it to be over. You were clinging to me, convinced that we could still save what we had. That the band would suffer if we split up. I knew you would suffer. You were always suffering, weren't you? And I didn't help in that aspect. You wanted us to still be together, you told me you would change, told me would work it out.  
  
But I wanted to leave you. I was dead set, and I didn't stop to listen to you. Your voice and your sad eyes annoyed me - I wanted nothing to do with you, nothing to do with that sadness. I was done with everything you were.  
  
So I was very surprised when I woke up missing you. When I made a bad joke and you weren't there to tell me it was lame. When I was driving and you weren't there to drive me crazy changing the music. When I wanted to hear your voice, badly. When everybody else's voices seemed stupid. Your voice had always been so much better.  
  
I missed talking to you. I missed your stupid guitar, your stupid curls. I missed you telling me to do the dishes for once. I missed you with your hands on your face, shadowed by all that hair, upset about something. I missed you in my bed. Suddenly, all the things I didn't like about you felt stupid. Having to cope with that felt like a small price to pay for having you around.  
  
You. I missed you so much. Missed you, missed you, missed you.  
  
I always thought I could come back to you. You were still so in love, you would have taken me back any time I asked. And made an effort to minimize the things that drove me away. You could be conscientious. I never thought... Never expected.   
  
"There's been an accident, Roger." Freddie's voice as he said it is etched in my memory, forever. "Brian is... Well, he was badly hurt. I think he'd like you to be there."  
  
Fuck. Fuck.   
  
I was the one to leave you, not the other way around. You were going to be there for me, always. Even if we were not together, you would be, in the band, in my life. That which I used to hate, that you were always there, was bothersome but also reassuring. I could always count on you. Always.   
  
The hospital smells terrible and there is a couple of people who recognize me. No, I have no time for photos, lady. Not when.... Freddie's face is pale and grief-stricken. I hate it. I don't need to talk for him to understand.   
  
"He's in the ICU. Apparently there was a lot of internal damage."   
  
I want to fucking cry. You can't do this to me. You can't condemn me to a whole life of missing you. Especially when I haven't told you, how much I still love you, how much I wish I hadn't been so... Annoyed.   
  
You were never the issue. I would have found fault with the most perfect person too. I just let my boredom and my want to change hurt you. I let you go, and my projected all my frustrations on you. Things were not as in the beginning, of course... But I still love you. You still loved me too.   
  
And now I miss you. And I could be losing you too. Brian, my love, my companion. I want your laugh, I want your legs in my bed, I want to hear about whichever guitar technician. The world feels so lonely without you.   
  
They don't understand, nobody understands me like you do. They have good things, but only for some hours. With you... With you I could have spent my entire life, despite all the ups and downs.   
  
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.   
  
You can't leave me like this.   
  
I want you back. Not this shadow of you with all those tubes and machines. I want you with your stupid fangs, I want you to always answer the questions, I want you back. Don't leave me, Brian. Don't do this to me.   
  
The doctors don't seem to think you're going to make it. They can go to hell. I stay with you, for days and nights in the hospital. Missing you. Talking to you. Regretting so many things.   
  
We were never perfect. We fought, we argued, we hurt each other without wanting to. But we were there for each other, made the other's life better. Fuck, I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts.   
  
Days and nights come and go. They take some of those machines off of you. You weren't supposed to survive, but you were too stubborn to go like this. Thank heavens for that.   
  
You open you eyes after three weeks, and I realize that I had missed your eyes too. Your mouth. You.   
  
There's a question in your eyes, you're probably wondering why I'm here. It's okay - we'll talk about it later. There's just something that I have to say.   
  
"Hey, Bri." my voice is raw, unused. "Welcome back. You have no idea how much I missed you."


End file.
